Hello Everyone!
I am currently pregnant with my 4th child. Obviously. But what you may not know is that this is my 7th pregnancy. I had decided to announce this baby early, at 9 weeks along, because I wanted this child to be known. Whether or not this one was to make earth side, I wanted the world to know it existed. It was here, my body had changed already and we were already preparing for a new spirit. If we were to loose this one, I didn't want to be silent this time. I didn't want for my friends to wonder why I am not hanging out. I didn't want this little life to go unnoticed. I didn't want to go through it alone because I know there are SO MANY women who have gone through the same thing. With my first, my sister-in-law was able to share her journey with me and being able to talk to her about it helped me cope with sadness but mainly with the thoughts I was not proud of- which I will get into later. But this is hard. And it takes a village.
I have been wanting to write this for 3 years. It is such a personal thing and I wasn't sure how to put it into words. After numerous art projects, prayers, and journal writing, I think I am able to actually put my feelings into words. And what a better day to share than during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month!
If I see you day to day, you probably already know my story but still, there are parts that I have kept to myself about my journey that I think I'm ready to share. While my infertility journey isn't the worst or longest out there, it is still very real to me and each loss was no less devastating because I already had children or got pregnant again soon.
I have experienced 3 miscarriages, the last one being twins according to our doctor. We never got the chance for ultrasound. So, without dragging it on, here's my story.
January 9th, 2013. My first miscarriage. This one was the hardest. I was just starting my senior year of college and just got into the advanced program for a BFA studying art (necessary info for later), celebrated my 1st anniversary with my husband, and was 9 weeks pregnant! I was getting up to go to my classes for the day when I started spotting. I went straight to denial. I went to school which since they are art courses, they are 3 hours long. All through my first class I was completely stressed trying to tell myself it's nothing. Finally by the time I got to my second 3 hour long class, I told my teacher I was out. Gavin picked me up and I got my blood drawn. By the next day it was confirmed: I lost my baby. I knew it in my heart but hearing those words.. I was crushed. I cried for a full day but being the nerd I was, had to go back to school. I was completely numb. I would hold on just long enough to get home, then cry all night. I couldn't see anyone because even if I was able to calm for a second, speaking or even seeing just my husband would break the dam. I would only be able to stop crying when I was watching TV because hello distractions! Gavin would bring home dinners because I lost all motivation to move. The first night he brought home Zupas which is a soup/salad/sandwich place that give a chocolate covered strawberries with every meal. I was able to eat up until the strawberry. I picked it up and could only think.. he will never taste a chocolate covered strawberry. I have avoided them ever since.
My first art project I did involved chocolate covered strawberries in my time-based class. I froze them then recorded them melting. I then played the recording in fast-motion so they were melting and then being out back into ice on a loop. My classmates were able to tell it was about trying to hold onto something precious and keep it frozen in time. What they didn't know is that I could never get that precious thing back. Chocolate covered strawberries had become a symbol to me of precious things and things lost.
After about 2 months of avoiding people as much as I could, Gavin told me he was worried about me. I had become a shell even though (see below) I had already become pregnant again. So I forced myself to go out. At this point, the people who knew thought I was "fine" or at least should be because it was just a bum egg, or deformed, or wasn't a baby yet, or wasn't ready to come yet. It just made it hard to talk to people even more because I felt alone and invalidated in my struggles. I was angry and scared for my fertility future.
With this first experience I just want to say to all you struggling mamas, it OKAY to take time. It's OKAY to deal with this time in your life how YOU need to. No two experiences are the same. I am still not the same. It's OKAY to hurt and let things slide for a time. Because time will go on. Eventually you'll find your joy. You'll go days, weeks and even a month without thinking of your loss, though you'll never really forget. And some days, still years later you'll have a cry about the ones you've lost. But you will move again.
And it's OKAY to feel guilt. Guilt not just for living while your baby is not or for having other children soon or not-so-soon after, but guilt for being jealous, angry and hurt by other women who are just trying to enjoy their own pregnancies. It is an impossible conflict of feelings. You want so badly to be happy for other mothers but that hurt creeps in, separate and indifferent to mother you are celebrating. The hurt is only about you and it's ok to feel it. I get it. I get you. But after a moment to mourn, we serve, love and celebrate the wonderful mothers in our lives.
February 14th, 2013 Pregnant with Taryn. Born early on November 6th, weighing 5 lbs 10 oz. I didn't let myself get excited. I didn't even make an appointment until 11 weeks. After that appointment I felt like I could breathe again. But then I would panic wondering if I "moved on" too fast. If I was forgetting him. I say him because I know my first was a boy. I just know. Then I would wonder if I wasn't being grateful enough for my current pregnancy by dwelling on my last. I seriously can't convey how confusing this time in my life was. As we found out the gender and got further along, I just let myself be excited and prepare for our little girl! Sometimes, we just have to work through feelings and give ourselves permission to feel them, especially when they don't make sense.
January 12th, 2015 My second miscarriage. I wasn't quite expecting this since I had carried our last girl earth side. I was stunned and all the feelings came rushing back. I never fully recovered socially from my first miscarriage and I just became even more introverted. I still get social anxiety/ insecurities and I know it stems from these few years of struggle. I only told my mom (and husband of course) for the longest time.
March 5th, 2015 My third miscarriage. I miscarried the day before I was flying to California with Taryn to celebrate at my husband's cousin's baby shower. Yup. I once again threw myself into service. I had planned a baby shower after my first miscarriage as well. And I know, isn't that like torture?! Actually no. I felt way better when I was planning and creating. My mom said it is because service heals you. I agree. I made it through the planning, setting up, the party, all the way to end. I was proud of myself for being in physical and emotional pain but being able to put it aside to love another mother. It wasn't until the very end of the night when my husband's other cousin announced her pregnancy that I had the wind knocked out of me. Because that was exactly what I was going to do. Announce after the shower. I had a moment of shock but was able to bite my tongue, swallow the lump in my throat and feel that GENUINE happiness for that sweet mama! Until she left. Then I melted in front of my MIL and all her siblings. Oh and did I mention Gavin couldn't come with so I was alone? ya.
But God knew what he was doing. I was able to talk extensively with my husband's uncle who is an OB/GYN. He got my on the right track with progesterone and I haven't had a loss since. I felt heard, and finally felt like I could take back some control.
What I want to emphasize about these two miscarriages is this: acknowledge every pregnancy. Love every pregnancy and be excited for every pregnancy. Even though it can scary and it might hurt more if they are lost. These two, I tried to forget I was even pregnant in case of the worst case scenarios. But THIS IS THE REASON I ANNOUNCED ULTRA EARLY THIS TIME. I wish I had loved every second and "felt" them. I wish I didn't worry about how others would act around me or think about me if I were to announce another miscarriage. It doesn't make me a failure. It doesn't make you a failure. Just love them even if it's scary. Hope is a powerful thing.
April 24th, 2015 Pregnant with Jovie. Born early with a medium whole in her heart on Dec 16th, weighing 6lbs 5 oz. This was my hardest 1st trimester. I wasn't prepared for the progesterone, I was still struggling with the losses of my 2 previous pregnancies. I didn't like that this was my 5th pregnancy and I only had 1 living child. But I had hope that I would be keeping this one since I had progesterone on board! And she was so worth the wait.
February 6th, 2017 Pregnant with Finn. Born Nov 2nd weighing 8 lbs 2 oz. I was very confident in keeping this baby. But I still wanted to keep it to myself til the "safe" 12 weeks. We instantly fell in love with our giant man baby. He's still perfect.
July 6th, 2019 Pregnant with Little Babe. High risk pregnancy due April 2020. I am done making others feel comfortable. We literally had someone tell us (with Taryn) when we told them early before the real announcement.. "Oh are you sure you want to tell so soon? After what happened last time?"
I let that question make me feel embarrassed for wanting to share, selfish for making this person feel possibly awkward if we were to loose the baby and let it dictate how I announced any pregnancy since. Not this time. It is my believe that we go through trials so we are able to empathize and help those around us. I realize I am in a position to be able to do so and I wanted this pregnancy to be different. It took us 4 months to get pregnant and every negative was hard to swallow. I wanted to CELEBRATE! I am now 12 weeks and in my 2nd trimester (EDIT: now I am 14 weeks but because of the memories, it took me a few weeks to make sure I was saying what I wanted to say).
I know these situations can be hard to understand if you've never been through it. I know it would be difficult to know what to say so here's this- To my loving mamas who don't know what to say in such situations here's a quick cheat sheet.
DON'T SAY: "At least you weren't that far along." "Just think of it this way, there must have been something wrong with it." "At least you know you can get pregnant!" "It's been a month, I thought you were fine." "At least you have other kids!" "At least it doesn't have to know the pains of this world." ..Basically if it starts with "at least" don't say it.
DO SAY: "I am here if you need to just talk!" "I'm so sorry, I don't know what you're going through but you are not alone." "Do you want to come out with us?" (although expect a decline. Keep asking, one day there WILL be a yes.) "Here's some food, but we don't have to talk." (best thing for me was meals since I couldn't even think about cooking). "You're baby knew your love" "I love you."
I know the "don'ts" are said with good intentions but it just hurts more and can be ostracizing. Another good thing to do is to ASK your mama friend what you could do. Because everyone copes differently.
And to all my beautiful mamas who have lost their love, I see you, I feel you, I hear you. I know it's hard and no matter if it was too early for an ultrasound or if you were able to meet your precious little baby, your baby will always be yours. They were here, they were loved and they were known. No matter how many things you think you could have done differently, it was NOT your fault. You are NOT alone, you will make it though the storm. I found my way with Christ and the knowledge I have of the wonderful eternal family I have. I don't have a perfect understanding of why these things happen but I do know it'll be made right.
But until then.. til we meet again, my love.
PS: I made while we were trying for our last. It was taking a few months and I just felt a strong urge to honor our lost babies as we "wrap up" our earth side family. I like to think of myself as a mama bird and I needed to show my whole flock. The sun is for my faith in the Son of God, the rainbow banner for the hope and love my children give me, and the birds are for us. 6 for us here (or soon to be), and 4 for my loves who are gone. Art has always been very therapeutic for me and this helped me work through some feelings I had of guilt. Guilt of being happy, "moving on", and feeling complete in my family. I feel like they are represented in our home now and it brings me peace.